How We Helped Our Shy Child Make Friends

As I sit at the kitchen table, I can hear our seven-year-old son and his friend in the den. They are playing and talking and laughing. I can recall that not long ago an enjoyable playtime like this would not have occurred at our house.

Long before our son was diagnosed (at aged 5) as being hyperactive, it was characteristic that he had difficulties in many areas, not the least of which was in the area of social skills. As a preschooler: when the other children were discovering and enjoying each other as playmates, our son was virtually isolated. His behavior was such that it either frightened the other children or turned them off. He was very easily distracted and would no sooner pick up a toy than he would drop it in favor of something else that caught his interest. Having a conversation posed similar problems, as his thoughts would flit from one idea to another with rapidity. His impulsiveness would lead him to strike out indiscriminately and people or objects. For example, he might run by, with his arms swinging, and knock down a tower of blocks which a preschool mate had painstakingly constructed. Even though other children of his age exhibited similar behavior at one time one time or another, our son behaved like this with such frequency and intensity that it set them apart, and the other children seem to sense that he was different in some way, without even knowing what it was. When Michael (not his real name) entered kindergarten, it became apparent to us that he needed considerable assistance from us if he was to have a social life at all. We could not wait and assume that he would make friends when he was ready. Our son needed to be repeatedly reminded and instructed in simple social skills that typical children pick up from appropriate role models. After muddling through the next year or so we started seeing some positive results.

Here is how we helped Michael to make friends and keep them:

1. We discovered that one-to-one relationships work best. Michael always had more difficulty in a group situation. Having two or more children over to play made for more activity and more distractions, and so it would be harder for Michael to focus and stay connected.

2. When Michael had another child over to play, we tried to be as positive with him as we could in front of the other child. This was very difficult sometimes and we really had to look hard for something to reinforce. Even a simple comment such as: "I like the way you gave your friend the car, rather than clobbering him over the head with it" not only made Michael feel good, but helped him to make him look good in front of the other child. We did this a lot at first since he had earned the reputation of being a "bad boy".